A Cautious Man
November 08, 2004
 
"We're All Republicans Now!"
For over a year, Garrison Keillor has been preparing us for this moment – when some despair over the results of the election. In a twist on Barack Obama's "there's only one America" theme, the proprietor of A Prairie Home Companion provides a way out:
So many people have asked me, How are you coming along in your struggle to become a Republican? And the answer is: it's not easy. But then so many worthwhile things are not easy.

It's easy to become a Republican when times are good. It's harder to do it when the economy is in the third year of recession and we have to pony up $87 billion to rebuild Iraq where we still can't find their nuclear weapons program and a good chunk of the money is going through the company that the Vice-President used to run -- but I take these things as a challenge.

Why become a Republican? Because the best way to rid oneself of anger and frustration at what is happening in this country is to get on the side of the people who are doing it. And also you save a lot of money on gifts for same-sex weddings.

But I'm a Republican to find peace. I don't even read the news anymore. It doesn't concern me: I've got a president who is taking care of that stuff. And once you don't read the news, it's even easier to be a Republican.
Okay, so maybe some people aren't ready to let go and move on. To those people, I say, "Shut up and sing!" Join in the chorus:
We're all Republicans now,
We've all come around somehow
We're all wearing flight suits
With big parachutes.
We're all Republicans now.
We'll defend this land everywhere
From the comfort of our armchair.
We're proud to be patriots, glad to be hawks.
We salivate whenever Rush talks.
We're smarter and nicer and better than you.
We're chosen to lead, and God says so too.
He's a Republican
He's a Republican
He's a Republican now.

We're all Republicans now,
We've all come around somehow
Even old Democrats
Can change their hats.
We're all Republicans now.
Affirmative action must go
Unless it's somebody we know.
We'll put conservative judges back on the bench,
More executions, let's start with the French,
No more free lunch, everybody must pay,
If you want health care, Canada is that way
We're all Republicans
All Republicans
All Republicans now.
(Hey, you take this too seriously, you'll ruin your health.)

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